

, V (COPYRIGHTED.) 

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A? 

A SERIOUS 



Parties wishing to negotiate for the production of this Play, will address, 

If. J. METTEN1IEOIER, 

Box 3,195, 

CINCINNATI, 0. 


CINCINNATI: 

Elm Street Printing Company, 176 and 178 Elm Street. 

1873. 



























































-1 


A Serious Flirtation. 



IFOTTIR, ACTS. 


BY 

H. J. METTENHEIMER. 

*» 





\ / : A. ^ J : ' ■ ^ 

CINCINNATI: 


XUI STREET PEINTfMQ COMP AMY, 176 A 178 E Uf STREET. 

1873. 










Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1873, by 
H. J. METTENHEIMER, 

In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington. 




\ 







“A Serious Flirtation.” 




DRAMATIS PERSONS. 


* ADAM GUDGEON. 

Hon. WILEY MANNERS. 

COLUMBUS GOPEPPER.. 

*' Mr. DALRYMPLE -A Banker. 

TOM DALRYMPLE.. 

GUY FITZGORY. 

Rev WESLEY JONES. 

V Miss DIDO DALRYMPLE. 

Miss JANE GUDGEON. 

Mrs. GUDGEON. 

Miss JYNKYNS.. 

BATHSHEBA GOPEPPER.. 


.An Emotional Lover. 

.A Christian Statesman. 

.A Rural Rooster. 

.Father of Dido and Tom. 

.A Collegian who feels his Oats. 
.A Relic of a Departing Race. 
,An Itinerant Preacher. 

.A First-class Flirt. 

.A Theme for a Pastoral. 
.Mother of Adam and Jane. 
One of the “ Beau-monde.” 
.One of the “ Canaille.” 


































































■ 








r ' 

























A, SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


ACT I. 

Scene I.— Lawn at Gudgeon $ Country House. Cottage 
with porch. Ladder against the porch. 

Enter Columbus and Bathsheba Gopepper. 

Bath. Columbus, you had better be attending to your 
own business instead of idling your time away around 
here. What brought you over this morning ? 

Gop. A dispatch from Senator Manners stating that he 
would be down on the early train, and requesting me, as 
the most prominent citizen of the village, to see that a 
proper reception was accorded him. 

Bath. Show me the dispatch. 

Gop. (Fumbling in his pockets.) I must have mislaid 
it. 

Bath. How often have I told you that there was no use 
in your lying to me ? 

Gop. Let us waive this question of veracity and try to 
gather a crowd to receive the Senator. 

JBath. What for ? 

Gop. It may further my political aspirations to attract 
the notice of so distinguished a statesman. 



6 


A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


Bath. Political aspirations! Bosh. You had better 
be digging potatoes. 

Gop. Sister, I have a soul above potatoes. I yearn to 
take my stand among the magnates of the nation, and I 
am going to take it there. You are too commonplace ; 
too groveling. I intend to lift the name of Gopepper 
fr »m obscurity, and carve it on the pages of history ; be¬ 
fore which the names of Alexander, of Caesar, of Wash¬ 
ington, of George Francis Train, shall pale in the lesser 
fire of their insignificance. 

Bath. Heigho ! I am not sorry now that I accepted 
Mrs. Gudgeon’s request. 

G<>p. What request ? 

Bath. Why this Dido Dalrymple, who has been spend¬ 
ing the summer with the Gudgeons, has coaxed Jane to 
spend the winter in town with them. 

Gop The Dalrymples are very wealthy. Are they not? 

Ba'h. Yes; and I believe young Tom is in love with 
Jane Gudgeon. 

Gop. Tne whipper snapper ! He is only nineteen years 
old. 

Bath. Well, Jane is only sixteen. 

Gop. But I have a sneaking kindness for her myself. 

B<ith. She is too good a girl to return your sneaking 
kindness. 

Gop. Pshaw ! Tom is nothing but a boy. 

Bath. A good healthy one. I have promised to keep 
house for Mrs. Gudgeon while Jane is away. 

Gop. And what is going to become of my house ? 

Bath. I don’t know. I am growing tired of acting 
guardian to such an overgrown lummax—the laughing¬ 
stock of the village. 

Gop. Laughing-stock? Bathsheba ! Feeling that in¬ 
born—that inborn—what’s his name? within me, I can, 
like the immortal Ajax, defy the lightning. 

Bath. Any jackass can do that. But go your ways to 
the poor house. Here come the young folks. 

[Exit Bath, and Col. 

Enter Dido, Jane and Tom. 


A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


7 


Dido. I wish you would learn your place, Tom. It 
doesn t look well for you to be following a couple of girls 
all the time. 

Tom. A couple of girls ! I am following but one. 

Dido. Well, she doesn’t want you. 

Tom. She hasn’t told me so. 

Dido. Tell him to go, Jane. I know you wish to be 
rid of the big baby. 

Tom. I wish I was her baby. 

Jane. Go about your business. 

Dido. Don’t you see we wish to be alone ? 

Tom. Now that isn’t according to the Rule of Three at 
college. 

Dido. What would college etiquette be under the cir¬ 
cumstances ? * 

Tom. Why, you see, when two roosters get together 
and a nice little pullet comes along, one of the roosters 
has manners enough to leave. 

Dido. But when two nice little pullets get together, 
they do not want any roosters about. 

Tom. Speak for yourself. Here, Jane, tie my cravat 
and I will go. 

Jane. Your sister can do it better than I. 

Dido. Tie it for goodness’ sake to get rid him. 

Jane. What kind of a bow do you want? 

Dido. Make a hard knot of it, so it will last all day. 

Jane. (Tying cravat.') How will that do? 

Tom. That’s the lick. Looks as if I didn’t care a 
damn f you know. Thank you. ( Snatches a hiss and runs 

off-) 

Jane. Well, I never ! 

Dido. Never ? 

Jane. Never saw such a forward man. 

Dido. You see Tom is in love with you, and he is too 
young to conceal it. 

Jane. In love with me ? 

Dido. Poor Tom! To think how much good soul 
gushing lollipop he has wasted on you, and you not 
know it. 

Jane. I never thought of such a thing. How does it 
feel to be in love ? 


8 


A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


Dido. I have never had any personal experience, but 
judging from those I have seen under the influence of the 
passion, it must make one feel very much like a simpleton. 

“ Two geese with but a single thought, 

Two hearts that beat as one.” 

Jane. Two souls with but a single thought. 

Dido. Yes, the single thought is money. 

“ Oh, breathes there a prospect in nature or art, 

Like the vista that shines through the purse to the heart.” 

Jane. For shame, Dido. Poor Adam ! 

Dido. What! is Adam in love, too ? 

Jane. Yes, and is wasting a heap more lollipop than 
Tom ever did. 

Dido. On whom?. 

Jane. On you. 

Dido. I will encourage him. 

Jane. But hasn’t Senator Manners proposed to you? 

Dido. Yes ; but so have a dozen others, and I can not 
marry them all; at least, not all at once. 

Jane. If a man were to pop the question to me, I 
would be scared enough to stand on my head. What do 
you think of Adam? 

Dido. Rather favorable than otherwise. I believe if 
your brother were to offer himself, I would accept him. 

Jane. Dear Dido ! And marry him ? 

Dido. Oh, no. 

Jane. Why deceive him? 

Dido. For fun. Adam is so sincere in everything, 
that he needs a lesson; and I am a natural angler. I hook 
my game to play with it, and see it wriggle. 

Jane. Adam wouldn’t wriggle long; he would die. 

Dido. Pshaw ! There never was a case of love that 
wouldn’t yield to a blue pill. 

Jane. What are you twirling in your fingers ? 

Dido. A written proposal from Mr. Guy Fitzgory. 

Jane. What a name ! 

Dido. One of the best in America. He prides himself 
on his name, and the color of his blood. 


A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


9 


Jane. We Americans are a bloody people. 

Dido. Yes, and the Fitzgorys claim that their blood is 
blue—sky blue. Guy is a thin sort of sport; one of those 
fellows who know everything (with a drawl); been there , 
you know. He was going through here a week ago and 
sent this note flying through my chamber window. This 
way— (Throws note on top of the porch.) No, not that way. 
It has gone as wide of the mark as when he threw it him¬ 
self. 

Jane. A woman never could throw straight. 

Dido. How can I get it back ? 

Jane. (Takes ladder and sets it up.) Here is Adam’s 
pruning ladder. 

Dido. What, climb up! I’ll do it; it will be so undig¬ 
nified. I hope no one is about. (Climbs up ladder.) Oh ! 
how it shakes. - 

Jane. I’ll hold it for you. 

Dido. Hold it tight; if I were to fall on your head it 
might hurt you. 

Jane. (Laughing.) I’ll call Adam to hold it. He 
won’t mind your falling on him. I think he would rather 
like it. (Dido's shoe falls off.) 

Dido. Don’t be silly. Pshaw ! there goes my slipper. 
I must come down and get it. 

Jane. Go on and let it be. 

Dido. I hear some one coming. 

Jane. You don’t. 

Dido. (Gets on top of the porch.) Now, I’m up. I’ll 
rest awhile. 

Jane. If you do, I’ll take the ladder away. 

Dido. Well, I’m coming; the thing is so rickety, how 
in the world am I to get down ? 

Jane. Here’s a nice board. I’ll turn the smooth side 
up and you can slide down. 

Dido. But I’m afraid. Oh, mercy ! What am I to do? 
And there is a man coming ! 

Jane. I see no man. 

Dido. Neither do I, but I smell a cigar. 


Enter Tom and Adam. 


10 


A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


Tom. Hallo, Sis ! What are you doing up there ? 

Dido . Please, Tom, help me down. 

Tom. Let Adam do it. Come, puss, let us leave them 
together. He wants to be with her alone, by moonlight, 
etc. 

Jane. I prefer to remain here. 

Tom. Nonsense ! Let us go where nobody will dis¬ 
turb us while I kiss you good-by. 

Jane. Let me go, you presuming scamp. 

Tom. Don’t you put on any scollops about me. I’m up 
to all that sort of thing. ( Puls his arm around her waist 
and drags her off) 

Dido. Oh, don’t leave me ; they are gone. You go too, 
please, so I can get down by myself. 

Adam. Nay, my arm is strong enough for two such. 
(Goes up the ladder and lifts her down.) • There, birdie, 
you are safe. 

Dido. Thank you. 

Adam. (Picking up her shoe and kissing it.) (Aside.) 
Is it any wonder a man should lose his wits over a woman 
who can wear a shoe like that ? 

Dido. Please let me have my shoe, the ground hurts 
my foot. 

Adam. Let me put it on. 

Dido. Give me the slipper. I am used to waiting on 
myself. ^ 

Adam. It is only a gentleman’s privilege that I ask. 

Dido. Do gentlemen esteem it a privilege to do a maid 
servant’s work ? 

Adam. The office I seek is a knightly one, and you 
must give me a reason for refusing to let me perform it. 

Dido. If you insist on a reason, I have a hole in my 
stocking. 

Adam. A merry answer, but I am not satisfied. 

Dido. Here then, Sir Knight of the Hoof, put on the 
slipper. 

Adam. (Kneels and puts it on.) There lady, it went on 
easier than I thought possible for a shoe so small. 

Dido. You flatter me ; get up. 

Adam . I would rather remain here. 


( 


A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 11 

Dido. Let go my foot, and you can remain there as 
long as you please. 

Adam. I know the situation is distressing to you, and 
I should be man enough to spare you, but I am not. You 
have long avoided this interview, and have started from 
my approach as the timid hare starts from the hunter, 
at the mere falling of a leaf. 

Dido. Beautiful! 

Adam. I would rather you mocked me than avoided 
me. 

Dido. You look like a goose. 

Adam . I am aware that my appearance is ungainly, 
and that I always act like a fool in your presence. You 
are so different from the people around me that a choking 
feeling comes into my throat whenever I see you. And 
then I know my own unworthiness, and wonder if the an¬ 
gels are like you. 

Dido. You are in love with me, I suppose, but do not 
talk about angels. 

Adam. I will go to town and make money, that I may 
be more worthy of you. 

Dido. Make money ! What has that to do with love ? 

Adam. Everything ; money is considered an equiva¬ 
lent for all the manly graces, and all the Christian virtues 
combined. 

Dido. But money making is not a fitting occupation 
for the knight errant I would favor. 

Adam. The faculty to steal it by force of brains is as 
much a test of manhood in our day, as it was to steal it 
by force of arms in days gone by. 

Dido. I prefer the knights of old. 

Adam. Be it so, lady, I will serve you as you wish. 

Dido. Then I command you to rise. 

Adam. Accepted? 

Dido. Yes, yes. 

Adam. (Rising .) Let me seal the promise with this 
ring. ( Places a ring on her finger , and attempts to kiss 
her.) 

Dido. ( Breaking away.) Oh, no ! I have been eat¬ 
ing onions. (Duns off.) 


S’ 


12 


A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


Adam. Can this be true? or am I dreaming? I feel a 
thrill of joy breaking over me that I have never known 
before. She accepted my suit. Her words were, yes! yes! 
She repeated the yes to remove all doubt from my mind. 
Are all women so easily won? Do they all receive a man’s 
homage in such a matter-of-fact way? Does their love 
never warm them into an exhibition of feeling? She was 
as cold and passionless as a statue. She does love me 
though. Poor girl; she has been taught to conceal her 
emotion, and has gone to her room to give vent to it. I 
hardly know how to act myself. I am not a praying man; 
but I do feel so full that I would be an ingrate indeed 
were I to forget to thank heaven that I now have some¬ 
thing to live for. (* Stands in an attitude of prayer .) 

Enter old Dalrymple. 

Dal. Hallo! young man! why are you praying so late 
in the morning? 

Adam. I have just found something to pray for. 

Dal. And want to be prompt about it before you for¬ 
get it. May I inquire the object of your orisonsf 

Adam. Your daughter, Dido. 

Dal. Umph! I know of no one more in need of your 
prayers than Dido; and I thank you for your willingness 
to assume a duty I acknowledge having neglected. 

Adam. Was ever man so blessed? You consent then? 

Dal. Of course; pray for her as much as you please, 
but be more careful of her reputation hereafter, and seek 
a more private place to do it in. 

Adam. You do not fully comprehend my meaning. I 
wish your daughter for my wife. 

Dal. Oh! you are anxious for her temporal as well as 
her spiritual salvation. ( Laughing .) I have no objection 
to you, young man, as a son-in-law. 

Adam. Thank you! Oh, thank you! 

Dal. Nonsense; but hadn’t you better ask the lady 
herself? 

Adam. I have done so. 

Dal. And what did the jade say? 


A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


13 


Adam. She said, yes. 

Dal. (Breaks into a violent jit of laughter.') I thought 
so. 

Adam. What are you laughing at? I know full well 
that I am unworthy of her; but still am not so base a 
clown as to merit your ridicule. 

Dal. (Laughing violently.) You make the third man 
she has promised to marry this month. 

Adam. Then she is past praying for. 

Dal. Don’t take it so hard, man, I was only jesting. 
de.) He makes the fourth. 

Adam. You should be more careful of your words, 
when such a jest may stab a man to the heart. 

Dal. I never heard of a man having such a thing be¬ 
fore. (Aside.) The incorrigible vixen. 

Adam. Have I your consent to our marriage, if your 
daughter will marry me ? 

Dal. (Restraining a laugh.) Oh, certainly! 

Adam. Then I am satisfied. No woman would trifle 
with a lover on such a subject, and I will not do Miss 
Dido so great an injustice as to doubt her sincerity. 

\_Exeunt. 


Scene II.— Lane in rear of Gudgeon’s house. Enter 

Senator Manners. 

Man. If I can reach the house this way, my ruse to 
escape another of these everlasting receptions will be suc¬ 
cessful. I wish the rest of my errand could be disposed 
of as easily. (Draws a paper from his pocket.) This 
needs a witness. If I forge a name, I may be called upon 
to produce the author of the signature. I must have a 
live person this time; but where am I to find him? 

Gop. (From without.) Here’s the man. 

Man. (Starting.) Who was that? 

Enter Gopepper. 

Gop. Here you are. Found you at last, old fellow. 



14 


A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


Man. Old fellow! My familiar friend, who are you ? 

Gop. Columbus Gopepper. 

Man. Columbus, I am glad to know you. 

Gop. (Shaking hands.) So are all my acquaintances. 

Man. What is your business with me, Columbus? 

Gop. I have gathered all the fellows in the neighbor¬ 
hood to give you a hearty welcome, and we are waiting for 
you. 

Man. Couldn’t you and the rest of the fellows find 
some other victim? 

Gop. We could find a better man if we lived in a 
larger place, but first-class shows never visit country 
towns. 

Man. UmphI You appear to be the moving spirit in 
the affair. How much do you ask for your kindness ? 

Gop. A soft place under the Government. 

Man. What will you do to earn it? 

Gop. Anything you require. 

Man. Can you tell a ready lie, and swear to it ? 

Gop. As easily as yourself. 

Man. Can you hold your tongue, and mind your own 
business ? 

Gop. Place me in a position where the nation most 
needs disinterested patriotism and unswerving integrity, 
and command me. 

Man. (Producing a paper.) Then sign this paper. 

Gop. What is it? 

Man. That is none of your business. 

Gop. As I haven’t anything but my character worth 
signing away, give me a pen and ink. (Manners draws 
pen and. ink from his pocket , and holds his hat for a desk. 
While he is doing this Gopepper whistles the “ Rogue s 
Marchf and Manners looks at him in surprise.) 

Man. Confound your impudence. You are whistling 
the Rogue’s March. 

Gop. Excuse me. We have no band in our neighbor¬ 
hood, and I am engaged to furnish the music for your re¬ 
ception. 

Man. Oh! (Offering pen.) Sign. 

Gop. (Taking the pen.) Where? 


A SERIOtTS FLIRTATION. 


15 


Man. {Pointing.) There. (Gopepper signs and Man¬ 
ners replaces the paper in his pocket.) You have wit¬ 
nessed the marriage certificate of Miss Dido Dalrymple and 
myself. 

Gop. Have I? 

Man. You will say nothing about this until called on, 
and then declare you saw the ceremony performed. 

Gop. I will swear to it. 

Man. You deserve to succeed in politics. Come to 
Washington and I will help you. I see a lady coming. 
Now go. 

Gop. The neighbors wish to see an honest politician. 
You must present yourself when we call you out. [Exit. 


Enter Dido. 

Man. Why, dew drop, you were coming to meet me, 
were you not? 

Dido. Considering that we expected you at the front 
door, and this is the back one, you can draw your own 
inference. 

Man. Is that a welcome for a husband? 

Dido. Do you ever forget a joke? 

Man. I am glad to meet you alone. Would you be¬ 
lieve now that what you call a joke was sober earnest? 

Dido. Do you allude to our mock marriage? 

Man. It was not a mock one. When you proposed 
that we get up a sham wedding to amuse our friends, a 
month ago, I thought seriously enough of the subject to 
procure the services of a real clergyman. 

Dido. Are you my bona-jide husband ? 

Man. {Producing paper.) Here is our marriage cer¬ 
tificate, properly signed and witnessed. 

Dido. {Taking paper and reading it.) It appears we 
were married by Wesley Jones. 

Man. Yes. 

Dido. Then Wesley Jones and Wiley Manners are a 
pair of unprincipled scoundrels. 

Man. Your statement has my unqualified indorsement. 

Dido. I shall tell father to get me a divorce. 


16 


A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


Man . You will do no sucli thing. The notoriety you 
would gain would ruin your matrimonial prospects for 
life, and I doubt if you can do any better even without 
such a drawback. 

Dido. Is this is your only reply? 

Man. No; last winter I fell in love with you, proposed, 
and was accepted. 

Dido. A mere flirtation on my part. 

Man. I knew it. I was anxious to make it something 
more than a mere flirtation, however; and when, in a spirit 
of mischief you suggested a sham wedding, I took advan¬ 
tage of the situation, and made you my darling, precious 
wife. 

Dido. I shall never assume the duties of that exalted 
condition. 

Man. I will allow you a year to prepare for that re¬ 
sponsibility. 

Dido. And what then ? 

Man. Then, to save you any mortification, we will have 
the ceremony repeated. 

Dido. ( Sneering .) Will you always be as kind and 

considerate? 

Man. When you are accustomed to look upon your¬ 
self as my wife, you will become reconciled to the strata¬ 
gem. I am not a repulsive man, and have heretofore 
found considerable favor in your eyes. The fact that I 
love you to distraction should be a sufficient excuse for 
the measure I adopted to secure~Such a treasure. 

Dido. You were actuated to this villainy by some other 
motive than love for me. 

Man. Yes. I am an adventurer; poor, and conse¬ 
quently reckless. 

Dido. If you are poor, how did you ever get into the 
Senate? 

Man. The money was furnished by capitalists who use 
me. The accession of wealth is, therefore, simply a ques¬ 
tion of time with me, and this marriage will firmly estab¬ 
lish me in society. I will be thoroughly respectable when 
you acknowledge me as your husband, and then will en¬ 
deavor to make you the happiest woman in the country. 


A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


17 


Dido. And if I am obliged to submit to this fraud, I 
will make you the most miserable man in the country. 

Man. Impossible. It is a source of pleasure to sit 
and look at you, and I shill always have that privilege. 

Dido. I will run away with some other rascal. 

Man. I will trust you. 

Dido. You are an insinuating scamp, and I am almost 
tempted to forgive you. 

Man. If you do you shall never have occasion to regret 
our union. 

Dido. Well, you may die in a year, and you say you 
will give me that time to think the matter over. 

Man. Let me place this ring on your finger to help 
your memory. ( Takes her hand , and she reaches out a 
finger.') That is not the finger. 

Dido. Here,, then. (Offers another finger.) 

Man. Nor that. This is the proper one. Umphl 
There is a ring on it already. To the victor belongs the 
spoils. ( Removes from her h ind the ring Adam gave her 
and places it on his own; then places another ring on her 
finger ) 

Dido. (Aside.) Poor Adam! 

Man. Let us go to the house. 

Dido. (Flashing the ring.) (Aside.) I ought to be 
grateful to my honorable suitor for deciding this matter 
for me, I intended to marry either him or Adam, and he 
has relieved me of the responsibility of choosing. I ad¬ 
mire Manners for his assurance, and Adam for his honesty. 
As I do not love either to any alarming extent, I suppose 
I can cultivate a sentiment for my husband as easily as I 
could for the other man. 

Man. (Offering h>s arm.) Come, wife. 

Dido, (taking his arm.) Husband, I obey. [ Exeunt , 


Scene III.— Same as Scene I. 

Enter GoPEPPER and followers. 

Gop. Now, fellows, yell for Manners. (A cry for 
“Manners! Manners!’) 



18 


A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


Gop. Louder ! Manners!! ( Another yell. Manners 

emerges from the house , accompanied hy Dalrymple, Adam, 
Tom and Mrs Gudgeon. 

Gop. Hurrah for Manners! ( His folloicers hurrah.') 

Man. I am wholly unprepared for this reception, my 
friends, and must beg you to excuse me. I am truly glad 
to see you, and feel flattered at the very cordial welcome 
you have extended me. As I barely have time to get a 
little refreshment and make the next train, I must ask 
your indulgence, and request my esteemed friend, Mr. 
Gopepper, to entertain you. God bless you. ( Retires into 
the house , followed hy Dalrymple.J 

Adam. And that is a Senator? He is much like our 
neighbors, with the exception of better manners and finer 
clothing. I wonder if city life will put the same polish 
on me? 

Mrs. G. Nay, my son, you must not think of the city. 

Adam. You shall always have a corner at my fireside, 
mother, wherever it may be. (Adam and Mrs. Gudgeon 
retire into the house.) 

Tom. Say, Columbus, get on top of the porch and make 
a speech, while I kiss Jane good-by again. I have to go 
back to college to-night. 

Gop. Gentle stranger, you are buzzing around my lump 
f sugar too promiscuously. 

Tom. Your lump of sugar? 

Gop. Discarding the metaphor, you are slobbering too 
freely over a lady who is to be my wife. 

Tom. Eh! Your wife! 

Gop. Yes. Jane and I have been engaged for years; 
in fact, since we were children. 

Tom. The heartless little coquette! And I thought 
she loved me. 

Gop. No. She told me you were laboring under some 
such mistake, and asked me to enlighten you on the true 
state of the case. 

Tom, (Walking off sadly.) I’ll never believe in a 
woman again as long as I live. [Exit. 

Gop. Bathsheba would say that I told him a lie, and 
if it were not for her petticoats she would probably qualify 


A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


19 


it as a d-d lie. But, if, as in this instance, a statement 

is made which wavers, in a measure from strict accuracy, 
and the object of such equivocation is to avoid bloodshed, 
I contend that it rises to the dignity of diplomacy. ( Crowd 
cries , ‘ Speech ! speech 1 Gopepper!” etc , etc ) 

Gop. Ah! I forgot, my friends. (Ascends the ladder. 
Cries of “ speech ! speech! ’ etc. Gets on top of the porch } 
and after much preparation addresses the crowd .) 

Friends, Countrymen, Romans: 

When the red right hand of a hellish 
tyranny is grasping at the throat of our cherished inde¬ 
pendence, and strangling with its noisome breath the pillars 
of a nation’s virtue, are we, I ask, to bow the suppliaut 
knee of a shackled and depraved bondsman, lost to every 
sense of shame and' honor, at the imperial dictation of a 
bloated and scrofulous aristocracy? Or, are we to become 
the effeminate and besotted parasites of a tainted and hire¬ 
ling hereditary republicanism, festering in the throes of 
its expiring corruption ? Are we? Fellow-citizens! The 
American eagle is already proudly shrieking its death rat¬ 
tle from the sky-piercing summits and impenetrable fast¬ 
nesses of the voiceless desert. The American eagle is 
already weeping in blood-stained tears for its native free¬ 
dom, while you, gentlemen, you, as it were, fellow-citizens, 
you, my friends, you, are serene ! ( During the delivery of 

this speech , gagged and altered to suit the audience , the lad¬ 
der is withdrawn , and the crowd leave the speaker alone.') 
Hallo! All gone ! The ignorant boobies! They have not 
been educated up to appreciate eloquence. Whenever a 
person tries to instruct the masses, and elevate them from 
the depths of their mental and moral depravity, they treat 
him with disrespect and mob him. They have taken the 
ladder away and I don’t know how to get down. 

Enter Adam from the house. 

What is the matter with him ? He don’t seem happy. 

Adam. Does love always convert its victims into driv¬ 
eling idiots? But an hour ago I was wild with joy, and 



20 


A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


now I am crazy with vexation. Who is this Manners that 
he should cross me with his impertinent assurance? He 
acts as if ’twas he whom Dido loved instead of me. Yet 
he is not to blame. Dido has not told him of my wooing; 
of course she has not. ( Laughing.) Jealousy is making 
a greater ass of me than l was before; but should Wiley 
Manners, or any other man, come between me and the wo¬ 
man I love, I would clutch him by the throat, and throttle 
him, as though he were a rabid dog. 

Gop. He’s getting dangerous. I guess I had better 
remain quiet for a while. 

Adam. The doubts with which a lover is be-deviled 
are worse than the eternal torments of the damned. I try 
to persuade myself that I do not doubt, but I can not de¬ 
ceive myself with a lie. I do doubt this girl returns my 
love, and I would try to crush out my^passion, but ’twould 
be useless. I could not do it now. I could not do it 
now. {Sits down on the porch.') I will sit here until she 
comes, and say good-by, if my tongue will let me. 

Gop. I hope she will come out soon. My situation is 
growing uncomfortable. (Tom and Jane emerge from the 
house , equipped fur traveling. They are obliged to part in 
order to pass Adam ) 

Tom. Adam, are you bilious ? 

Adam. Yes. 

Tom. Take a stiff horn of salt and water. That’s 
what they always give me, and it’s sure to fetch it. 

Jane. Poor, dear brother. Don’t sit here, Adam. 

Adam. Go away. 

Jane. Everybody is cross to me this morning. {Sight.) 
Even Tom appears to be avoiding me now. 

Tom. Scat! {Throws a stone at Gopepper, which he 
dodges.) 

Gop. Be careful how you throw up here. You might 
break a window. 

Adam. {Muttering.) She is coming. I hear her 
laugh. The Senator is entertaining. (Manners and 
Dido, equipped for traveling , emerge from the house } fol¬ 
lowed by Mrs. Gudgeon.) 

Mrs. G. Good-by, dear. God bless you. (Manners 


A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


21 


with Dido on his arm tries to pass Adam, who is still sitting . 
Adam rises verg slowly, and is rudely pushed hy Manners.) 

Man. Get out of the way, fellow. (Adam turns sharply 
around , and in the heat of passion violently strikes Man¬ 
ners.) 

Adam. Fellow! (Mrs. Gudgeon takes Adam hy the 
arm , and Dido takes hold of Manners, who has assumed 
a threatening attitude .) 

Mrs. G. Why, Adam ! ( Tableau. Curtain drops.) 


/ 


END OF ACT I. 



22 


A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


ACT II. 

Scene. — Ante-Room in Dalrymple’s house, with doors 
opening into Drawing-Room in rear. FlTZGORY and Miss 
Jynkyns sitting. 

Fitz. We have had a splendid feed. The Dalrymples live 
in royal style. 

Miss J. Yes; but we must really cut them. They 
have insulted us by bringing us in contact with these 
country barb rians. 

Fitz. Perfect heathens! Eat with their knives; and 
this fellow they call Adam Gudgeon actually drank out of 
his finger glass. 

Miss J. Didn’t it make you sick on the stomach ? 

Fitz. My stomach couldn’t afford it after such a mag¬ 
nificent dinner, though I had to call for brandy. 

Enter Dido, Jane and Adam. 

Dido. Oh, here is Miss Jynkyns and Mr. Fitzgory. 
As none of you people seem inclined to dance, I’ll leave 
you to entertain each bther. 

Fitz. Oh, don’t! I beg of you. 

Dido. I’m sure I don’t know what to do with you. I 
dislike leaving you alone, but I must go to the ball-room. 

Jane. It would be cruelty to leave us here. 

Enter Manners, Dalrymple and Tom. 

Man. Ah, Gudgeon! I received your note of apology, 
and was only too happy on finding an excuse to overlook 
your rudeness when we were last together. 

Adam. You are a nobleman, sir; and,I am ashamed my 


A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


23 


childish temper should have led me into such a silly out¬ 
break. ( They retire up the stage.') 

Dido. Tom, you take Jane and teach her how to waltz. 

Tom . Does the request come from Miss Gudgeon her¬ 
self? 

Jane. Tell Mr. Dalrymple that it does not. 

Dido. What is the matter with you two high-toned 
goslings? I thought you were in love with each other. 

Jane. Oh, for shame, Dido. 

Tom. Miss Gudgeon seems surprised at the very thought 
of such an absurdity. 

Jane. (Unnaturally .) Yes, I’m sure the idea never 
entered our heads. 

Dido. You have been quarreling; don’t deny it. 

{Restraining her tears.) I wish, I wish I was at 


Jane. 

home. 

Tom. 

Jane. 


With Gopepper? 

I have the headache, and am going to my room. 

[Exit. 

Tom. Under such circumstances, the proper thing for 
me to do will be to get tight. [Exit. 

Dido. {Laughing.) She is driving him to desperation. 
Poor Tom! he is now ready to pronounce life a hollow 
mockery. 

Dal. (To Adam.) Have you found any business open¬ 
ing to suit you yet? 

Adam. No. 

Man. Why do you not try politics? Your talents en¬ 
title you to a seat in Congress. 

Adam. I have no taste for politics. I would soon 
grow weary of being praised for virtues I never possessed 
and damned for vices of which I am innocent. 

Dal. Adam is eminently fitted for a clerical life. I 
can indorse his praying qualifications. 

Dido. Yes, and his cheerful manners would soon make 
him the rage—for funeral services. 

Adam. I can not assume a gayety that I do not feel. 

Dido. A great drawback to your success in any capac¬ 
ity is your solemn sincerity. You are too dreadfully in 
earnest to enjoy yourself. 


24 


A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


Adam. My enjoyment will come when my hopes are 
realized. 

Dido. You must learn to enjoy yourself to-day; to 
live now. If you postpone the pursuit of pleasure until 
you get rich, or get married, or get some other ignis fat- 
uus, you will never know what enjoyment is. 

Adam. I can be happy any where with you. 

Dido. You don’t mean it? now, really. 

Adam. Are you never sad? 

Dido. Yes (with a mock sigh), when you are absent. 

Adam. Only then ? 

Dido. Only then, and when—you are present; come 
with me to the drawing room. 

Adam. One moment. Mr. Dalrymple, here is a package 
containing ten thousand dollars, which I have just re¬ 
ceived as the first payment on the sale of my farm. You 
have a safe in the house; will you take care of it for me ? 

Dal. (Takes package and puts it in his pocket.) Cer¬ 
tainly. 

Adam. Count it. 

Dal. Never mind. It is sealed and will be safe. 

Adam. Now I am ready. [Exit Adam and Dido. 

Dal. (Yawning.) I drank too much wine at dinner. 
You will excuse me. (Sits in a chair.) 

Man. Of course. I’ll go to the drawing-room. [Exit. 

Fitz. Devilish impolite; going asleep while we are 
here. 

Miss J. I am afraid the Dalrymples are as vulgar as 
their guests. He will be snoring next. This is the last 
time I demean myself by visiting such trash. 

(Fitzgory and Miss Jynkyns retire to the drawing-room , 
leaving Dalrymple alone. Manners enters and peers stealth¬ 
ily around the room and places his head to Dalrymple’s 
breast.) 

Man. Mr. Dalrymple? oh, Mr. Dalrymple! Umph ! he 
is asleep. Ten thousand dollars will ease me up for a year 
to come; no one would ever suspect me, the Christian 
statesman, of taking it. (Places his hand in Dalrymple’s 
pocket , but hastily withdraws it.) What was that? Pshaw, 
nothing! A thief hears a watchman’s rattle in the gnaw- 


A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


25 


ing of a mouse. I must have this money. I need it, and 
it would be flying in the face of Providence not to avail 
myself of such an easy way to get it. {He takes the pack¬ 
age carefully from Dalrymple’s pocket, removes the seal with 
a pnknife , opens it , abstracts the money , substitutes old paper , 
closes the envelope , warms the seals by a candle and replaces 
them , then puts the package back in Dalrymple’s pocket.) 
This is a new business to me, but I think I am equal 
to it; what shall I do with the money for the present? It 
will not do to let it remain on my person, as it might place 
me in an awkward position should the ruffianly owner 
discover his loss and insist on a general search. {Goes to a 
small table with Bible on it.) Here is a Bible ; it will be 
secure here until it is prudent to remove it. I can make 
my usual call to-morrow, and withdraw the deposit. {Places 
the money in the Bible and fastens the clasp.') Brilliantly 
conceived and skillfully executed. Some one is coming. 

{Enter GopepFer.) 

Ah, Columbus! glad to see you. 

Gop. At your old tricks, I see. 

Man. {Excitedly.) Eh! what? 

Gop. At your old tricks. 

Man. {Nervously.) What the devil do you mean ? 

Gop. Fingering at that Bible. 

Man. Well, what of it? 

Gop. What were you doing with it ? 

Man. Reading it. 

Gop. Disciple of Ananias, you are up to some game. 

Man. Sir, what kind of game ? 

Gop. Why pretending to be religious, you know; but 
the old codger is fast asleep, and your piety is lost on him. 
{Laughing immoderately.) 

Man. So he is. I was trying to deceive him. 

Gop. Is the old file tight? 

Man. Only a little overtaken. 

Gop. I am as dry as a powder-horn myself. Can a fel¬ 
low get anything to drink here? 

Man. Oh, yes; pull that bell. 


26 


A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


Gop. (Pulls the bell.) I have been electioneering 
around the bar-rooms, and ate too much chipped codfish. 

Enter Servant. 

Gop. Sardanapalus, bring us some brandy and water, 
separate. [j Exit Servant. 

Man. I see you are no baby in your tipple. 

Gop. Baby 1 I was nursed from a bottle and weaned 
on milk punch. 

Enter Servant with decanter and glasses and places them 

on a small table. 

Servant. Anything else, sir ? 

Gop. Not at present. As a free-born American citizen 
of probable foreign extraction, I will not insult your spirit 
of independence by attempting to discharge the obligation 
I am under with a base pecuniary return. My gratitude 
is much too deep for financial utterance, but you may re¬ 
tire with every assurance of my most sincere regard. 

Serv. Fine words butter no parsnips, sir. 

Gop. In that case whenever you find your system re¬ 
quires parsnips, you can prepare them in the shape of 
fritters, and use lard. (Sits on one chair and places his 
feet on another. Servant lifts his feet off, 'places a napkin 
on the chair and puts his feet on it.) Thank you, bring me 
another rag for the chair I’m sitting on. [Exit Servant. 

Now that we’re alone, let us forget the harassing cares 
and distracting turmoil of the outside world, and indulge 
in a quiet, fashionable and judicious drunk. 

Man. I never drink. You are acquainted here and can 
get along until I return. [Exit. 

Gop. Oh, certainly. A smart man and a clever one ; 
takes a great interest in me ; promised to get me something 
soft when Congress meets ; don’t expect any return except 
for me to electioneer for his friends. Like all truly great 
and good men, Manners never drinks, smokes, or chews. 
I do; and am serving my apprenticeship to fame by get¬ 
ting drunk with the masses. He finds the money but I 


A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


27 


furnish the brains. The difficulty with my duties is 
their mixed character. If Dutchmen drank whisky or 
Irishmen drank beer, the merit of my labor woul/d vanish. 
It is the power to endure the constant and rapid alterna¬ 
tion of the Hibernian nectar with the Teutonic elixir, that 
demonstrates the man. Eh! why here comes Jane, the 
guiding star of my life. 

Enter Jane. 

Why, darling ! 

Jane. Stop, Mr. Gopepper; you presume too much on 
our acquaintance. What right have you to be calling me 
dear and darling ? 

tGop. Why I used to carry you around in my arms 
when you were an infant. 

Jane Then call me Jane ; plain Jane. 

Gop. Make it pretty Jane ; plain Jane would be a lie. 

Jane. You don’t mind that, do you ? 

Gop. Jane, I adore you. 

Jane. I don’t adore you though, and wish you to stop 
addressing me in such a loving manner. 

Gop. Because I have driven this tadpole of a Dal- 
rymple from you. 

Jane. (Aside.) I wonder if this is true. Can Tom 
think there is anything between me and this dolt? 
(Aloud.) I don’t thank you one bit for driving him from 
me. 

Gop. Now don’t be angry with me, darling. 

Jane. If you do not stop it, I’ll tell Adam to make 
you ; so there now. 

Enter Dido, Adam, Tom, Fitzgory and Ladies. 

Dido. Let us clear this room, and we will give these 
rustics a dancing lesson. (Calling) Papa, wake up! 
(Draws the feather end of her fan under his nose.) 

Dal. (In his sleep.) I am on the edge of the bed al« 
ready. 

Dido. Now I wonder who he thinks is sleeping with 
him? 


28 


A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


Gop. That would be hard to tell while the old gentle¬ 
man has such a loose way of going to bed. 

Dido. He is always loose when he is tight. (Tickles 
Dalrymple again.') 

Dal. (Slapping his face.) A bug, by Jove. 

Dido. A potato bug ; destroys them with gravy. He 
will take me for a daddy-long-legs this time. (Tickles 
Dalrymple again.) 

Gop. Hardly ; judging from your build. 

Dal. (Rising from his sleep and roaring very loud.) 
Why the devil don’t you have this bed overhauled ? 

Dido. Papa, I am ashamed of you. 

Dal. Why did you wake me up ? 

Dido. We wish to dance. Help us move the furniture. 

Adam. I can do that alone. (Clears a space for danc¬ 
ing.) 

Dido. (Aside to Jane.) What am I to do with your 
brother? He follows me around like a pet lamb, and is too 
innocent to perceive how excessively irksome his atten¬ 
tions are becoming. 

Jane. Desperate cases require desperate remedies— 
Marry him. 

Dido. That might answer with some men, but it would 
make him more attentive than ever. 

Jane. He thinks because you once promised to marry 
him, that you are as much in love as he is. 

Dido. But I am not. 

Jane. Then tell him so. 

Dido. I am afraid of him. 

Jane. You need not be. Adam is terrible in his an¬ 
ger with men, but with ladies he never forgets he is a gen¬ 
tleman. 

Dido. I had no idea I was losing such an inestimable 
treasure. 

Jane. You are a light-hearted creature. 

Dido. You are a shallow fool. 

Jane. Reserve your pet names for your victims. 

Dido. Forgive me. Can you not see that I am tor¬ 
mented to distraction. 

Jane. Perhaps you have failed in an attempted con¬ 
quest, to-night. 



/ 


A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


29 


Dido. Oh ! I am stifling. 

Jane. You are unwell, Dido. 

Dido. No, no. It will pass in a moment. Leave me. 

Jane. Adam shall annoy you no longer, as I will tell 
him to-morrow how disagreeable his attentions are to you 
( Walks off ) 

Dido. She believes her brother has grown troublesome 
to me; and yet, disguise it as I may, I love him. When 
I think of him and remember that Manners is my hus¬ 
band, I feel as if I were being suffocated by some horrid 
incubus. It is over now, and I will resume the mask of 
gayety, if my heart breaks in the effort. ( With an effort.) 
Well, what shall we dance ? 

Fitz. The German. 

Gop. The Spanish would show your graceful figure off 
better. 

Fitz. The Spanish is some primitive country dance, no 
doubt. 

Gop. Yes. Your partner takes you by the scruff of 
the neck with one hand, and the slack of your breeches 
with the other, and chassees you to the door. 

Fitz. No lady would do that with me, sir. No lady 
would dare to trifle in that manner with a Fitzgory. 

Gop. Let us have an old fashioned country breakdown. 
What do you say to a Virginia Reel? 

Dido. The Virginia Reel by all means. Take your 
partners. Tom, you dance with Jane. 

Gop. (Forestalling Tom.) Miss Gudgeon, will you 
honor me. 

Jane. ( Snappishly ) No. 

Tom. May I have the pleasure of dancing with you? 

Jane. Will it be a pleasure to you, Tom ? 

Tom. My happiness will amount to positive delirium. 

Jane. Don’t make fun of me, please; there. (Gives 
him her hand.) 

(The company form for the Virginia Reel. Adam and 
Dido, Tom and Jane, and Dalrymple, Fitzgory and 
GoPEPFER, with other ladies.) 

Dal. I feel like a wilted cabbage among so many fresh 
young morning glories. 


30 


A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


Gop. Morning glories bloom in daytime, and wither at 
night; now, these ladies bloom at night, and— 

Tom. Wither in daytime. 

Gop. Correct. 

Dal. That would have been called impudence in my 
day. I suppose in our present advanced stage of civili¬ 
zation it passes for wit. 

Dido. (Sighing.) Ah me! gentlemen are not what 
they used to be, papa. 

(Band plays and the company dance the Virginia Reel.) 

Dal. Well, good-night. I have had enough. \Exit. 

Dido. (Lauqhinq.) Good gracious! he will kill me. 

Jane. Who? 

Dido. That Fitzgory. He dances like a toy harlequin 
with the string broken. 

Jane. He seems well pleased with his own performance 
at any rate. 

Dido. Scientific people say the face and head are indi¬ 
cative of character, but I would rather trust the other ex¬ 
tremity for my index. Now, who would expect a manly 
emotion from the possessor of such a set of feet and legs ? 

Adam. The shot went home. You are whipping me 
over another’s shoulders. 

Dido. You silly incarnation of sensitiveness, I never 
even thought of you. 

Adam. I fear the occasions when you do think of me 
are very rare. 

Tom. (Aside.) I guess I appeared unconcerned enough 
to let that demure little minx know that I could get along 
for a while yet; she tried her best to put me on the string 
again, too. 

Jane. (Aside.) Tom is thawing out. If we dance an¬ 
other set together, I can bring him to his knees again. 
(Aloud.) Let us form another set. 

Dido. (Yawning.) Let it be something more enter¬ 
taining then. These country confloptions are too tame. 

Gop. What do you say to the Can-Can ? 

Dido. Too energetic. Give me the waltz ! The love- 
inspiring. wicked waltz. I love its dizzy whirl and naughty 
sociability. I love to die away in its euchanting maze to 


A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


31 


/ 


the soft and dreamy music of Strauss and Weber. I love 
the divine ecstasy of being clasped by some handsome fel¬ 
low’s strong and willing arm. I love to realize that I am 
creating a sensation in his manly bosom when I lay my 
head upon his vest; and oh! what a ravishing intoxication 
it is to know that it is wrong, and I ought not to do it.1 

Gop. Stop! enchantress! stop! You have struck the 
right chord. Here is my arm, and here my vest. Come. 

Adam. Sir, this is insolence ! 

Dido. ( Laughing .) Well, I have put some life in two 
of you. Now, who will waltz? 

Tom. Will you, Jane? 

Jane. May I, brother ? 

Adam. No. 

Jane. ( Aside .) Let us go to the drawing-room, where 
he can not see us. \_Exit Tom and Jane. 

Dido. I would ask you to waltz with me, Mr. Gudgeon, 
but you are too awkward. 

Adam. Were I to waltz with you, I might forget my¬ 
self and be more awkward still. 

Enter Manners. 

Dido. Then, Manners, you must be my partner. 

Man. I am honored. (Advances and takes Dido in 
position for waltzing. Adam crosses and removes his arm 
from her waist .) 

Man. What do you mean by this impertinence ? 

Adam. Since Miss Dalrymple has no respect for herself, 
I will teach you to have some for her. 

Dido. What right have you to exercise a censorship 
over my conduct? 

Adam. I will allow no such liberty with a lady who is 
to be my wife. 

Man. You claim under a short title. Miss Dido is en¬ 
gaged to me. 

Fitz. You both soar too high, and will have to wait till 
she becomes the Widow Fitzgory. She is engaged to me. 

Dido. I admit the impeachment in regard to you, Mr. 
Gudgeon, but was under the impression I had rejected Mr. 
Fitzgory’s suit. 


32 


A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


Man. Are there any more to share the honor with me? 

Adam. As honor appears to be out of the question, I 
withdraw from the contest. A woman so slack in her 
moral perceptions is not apt to be as physically exclusive 
as would become my wife. 

Man. (Drawing off his glove.) Are you aware of the 
responsibility a gentleman assumes in insulting a lady ? 
(Aside to Fitzgory.) ‘Lend me a pistol, Fitz. 

Adam. I reserve my answer until a gentleman asks the 
question. 

Man. (Throwing the gi ve in Adam’s face.) You 
shall have a chance to modify that reply, and if you at¬ 
tempt any of your brutality, I will blow your brains out. 
(Fitzgory hands Manners a pistol , which he cocks and 
points at Adam, who is advancing in a threatening manner.) 

Dido. Senator Manners, I place myself under your 
care, and expect you to protect me from this man’s vio¬ 
lence. 

Adam. Your apprehension is assumed. I would not 
do you an injury, and you know it. 

Fitz. (Coming between them) You have nothing to 
fear. He is perfectly harmless when men are about. 

Adam. Men! Is this thing a man? Could the Al¬ 
mighty have made such a mistake with his own image? 
No, Miss Dido, it is the constant contact with such scum 
as this, that has dimmed your moral vision, and clouded 
the purity of your soul. 

Fitz. Scum! A Fitzgory! Scum! Do you know, 
sir, how I resent an insult? 

Adam. No. Nor care. 

Fitz. I wipe it out with the heart’s blood of the villain 
who offers it. 

Adam. You lie! You suffer it like any other coward. 
Out of my way. (Takes Fitzgory by the collar and 
throws him violently aside.) 

Dido. Mr. Gudgeon, after such an outrage on our hos¬ 
pitality, I must request you to withdraw. 

Adam. I beg your pardon. I had forgotten where I 
was. My temper has gained the advantage of me again. 

Dido t Leave this house, sir ! 


A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


33 


Adam. Leave your house ? ( Sinks inra chair bewil¬ 

dered.') 

Dido. Yes; leave my house. I trust you will not 
make it necessary for the servants to remove you. (Aside 
to Manners.) Give me the ring you took from my finger 
when you gave me this one. 

Man. What do you wish to do with-it ? 

Dido. It was his; and I can break with him now. 
Heaven pity him and me ! 

Man. (Looking at his finger.) Eh ! it is gone ! What 
could have become of it? 

Dido. Never mind it. He is miserable enough already. 

[Exeunt all but Adam and Fitzgory. 

Adam. (Takes a locket from his pocket.) Here is her 
picture. I can not look at so fair a face and believe it 
conceals so vile a heart. ( Drops the picture on the floor 
and grinds it under his heel.) There, it is all over. All 
doubt is ended now. All hope is gone, and I am alone. 

Fitz. ( Producing two pocket pistols.) No, not alone ! 

Adam. Well, I would be alone. Leave me. 

Fitz. You do not know me, sir. 

Adam. I do not wish to. 

Fitz. I demand satisfaction for the insult you have of¬ 
fered me. v 

Adam. You shall have it! 

Fitz. When? Where? How? 

Adam. Here ! Now ! As you please ! 

Fitz. We must have witnesses. 

Adam. I require none. 

Fitz. But I am a dead shot. 

Adam. So much the better. 

Fitz. I will accept your apology. 

Adam. I have none to offer. 

Fitz. I shall kill you. 

Adam. I am glad of it. 

Fitz. This unconcern is unprecedented. 

Adam. (Snatching one of the pistols.) Take your posi¬ 
tion ! 

Fitz. But you might kill me. 

Adam . I am a poor shot. 



34 


A SERIOUS FLIRTATION, 


Fitz. You might hit me by accident. 

Adam . If I understand you right, you expect to tight 
a duel without risking your pitiful life. 

Fitz . I do not intend to be murdered. 

Adam. ( Throwing away the pistol and laughing icildly.) 

You d-d blood-thirsty pirate ! Here, shoot me ! Y'our 

honor demands my life ; take it! 

Fitz. I will Lave a friend call on you to arrange pre¬ 
liminaries. [Fxit hastily. 

Adam. Chivalry! honor! love! mere by-words. Death! 
there is some meaning in that, and I will learn it. Poor 
mother! ’twill be a corner in an awful fireside that I can 
give you to-morrow. ( Takes off his coat , rolls up his shirt¬ 
sleeve to the shoulder , takes a pen-knife from his pocket and 
opens it.') The point is keen. Now to find an artery. 
(Feels along his arm , when Dido, Dalrymple, Fitzgory 
and Manners enter.) 

Dal. My daughter has told me of your intemperate 
behavior, and I have come to return your money. 

Adam. You can keep it, sir, to buy her wedding gar¬ 
ments. 

Dal. Take it. (Adam takes the package , tears it open , 
throws the package one way and its contents another.) 

Adam. Here, ye wolves, stoop for it. 

Dal. ( Picks up the contents.) Why, this is not money ; 
it is nothing but waste paper. 

Adam. Not money ! When I gave you the envelope 
there were ten thousand dollars of as good money in it as 
ever bought a woman’s virtue. 

Dal. There is no sign of them here now. 

Adam. Have I fallen among thieves? Well, let it go. 
I will pay as much at any time to he saved from a wanton 
woman. 

Dal. You drunken scoundrel! If you utter another 
insulting word, I’ll have you pitched headlong into the 
street. 

Dido. He is not drunk, papa, (Aside.) What have I 
done ? His only sin was his excess of love for me, and I 
have stung a hand that would have cherished me. 

Dal. You never gave me any money, and you know it. 












A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


35 


Adam. You mean I lie ? Your hairs are gray, sir, and 
they protect you. I gave you ten thousand dollars, and if 
either of these lusty carpet knights dare, by but a shrug 
or whisper, intimate that my words are false, I’ll uncover 
his sheep’s pluck for dogs to feed and sicken on. 

Man. (Sneering .) After such a masterly effort to es¬ 
tablish a character, no one would distrust any assertion he 
might make. 

Dido. He has shown himself a man whose love is 
above the thought of gold, and I will believe him honest. 
There is some mystery about this package that we do not 
understand. 

Adam. False one, I have lost you, and am indifferent 
about all else. Let the filthy stuff go to curse the hand 
that took it. It will not be needed where I am journey¬ 
ing. ( Drives the knife into his arm. and draws the sleeve 
down.') 

Man. He has cut an artery. 

Dal. We must bind up the wound before he bleeds to 
death. (Dalrymple, Manners and Fitzgory take hold 
of Adam, who shakes them off and raises the knife.) 

Adam. Hands off! unless you wish to follow me to the 
o-reat hereafter. (Adam shuts the doors leading to the 
drawing-room; drags an arm-chair against them; sits 
down , and gradually becomes faint from supposed loss of 
blood.) 

Adam. The tide is ebbing, ebbing, ebbing! When I 
am dead, give my body to the doctors. Let them show 
these scoffers a man’s heart that could throb for love as 
well as for life. They may find that mine is broken, but - 
it will serve better than none to further the cause of 
science. 

Dal. He is a strong and determined rascal, but I should 
judge we could handle him now. 

Dido. Let me take care of him while you run for a 
physician. 

Fitz. I’ll go. [Exit. 

Dal. You remain with my daughter, Manners .and I 
will summon help. [Exit. 

(Dido takes a scarf from her shoulder and crosses to 


36 


A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


Adam. After some feeble resistance she binds it around 
his arm , as he sinks back from exhaustion.) 

Dido. Oh, Adam! you must not die. Let me save 
you. Think of your kind old mother. Live for her sake. 
Adam, look up; look at me. Adam, do not die. ’Tis I, 
Dido calls. Adam, I have something to tell you ; do you 
hear me? Adam, live for me. I love you, darling. I 
never knew till now how I did love you. (Adam slightly 
raises his head , stares stonily at her, and falls back again.') 
He lives! He can be saved ! A physician ! Quick ! 

Man. (Glancing at her.) I think you will promote our 
future happiness by removing your scarf and letting him 
die. 

Dido. My God ! I forgot that I was a married woman. 
(Tableau.) 


END OF ACT II. 


r* 




A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


37 


ACT III. 

Scene I. — A breakfast room at Dalrymple’s. Gopep- 
per discovered seated. 


Gop. I once heard a tradition of a fellow who disliked 
his mother-in-law. Why, I would rather tackle a whole 
army of them than one such brother-in-law as I am about 
to take to my bosom; that is, if I marry Jane. When I 
reflect on her brother’s temper, I am almost led to aban¬ 
don my mad pursuit of her. A lummax capable of con¬ 
verting a gentleman’s drawing-room into a slaughter house 
would not be a desirable kinsman to a person of my or¬ 
derly habits. No man with a decent regard for the feel¬ 
ings and carpets of another would attempt to bleed him¬ 
self to death in that other’s parlor. Now whenever I 
experience any tendency to suicidal phlebotomy, I shall 
carry a wash-tub out in the back yard, and conduct the 
operation in a more calm and dignified manner. Mr. and 
Mrs. Manners might have avoided this row if they had 
informed Adam of the relation they bear to each other. 
The miserable dupe was not aware he was raising a fuss 
about a married woman; at least as married as my testi¬ 
mony will marry her—the ceremony having been per¬ 
formed under my very eyes. 

Bath. (Calling without.) Columbus! Oh, Columbus! 

Gop. That was my sister’s voice. Mrs. Gudgeon must 
have arrived. Mother!—that is Jane’s mother—I come. 

[Exit. 

Enter Tom. 


Tom. I wonder if every attack of calico on the brain 
affects all of a fellow’s five senses. It seems as if I was 
eternally to see Jane, hear Jane, feel Jane, smell Jane and 
eat Jane. Wherever I go, and whatever I do, her gen- 


38 


A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


tie spirit diffuses a sweet and generous glow over my soul, 
like warm molasses over a pancake. A woman is like a 
dog; if she thinks you are afraid of her she will always 
be nagging at you, but when you once show her you are 
the master, she will fetch and carry at your bidding. It 
is too bad that Mrs. Gudgeon should come to take Jane 
away at the very moment she was ready to renounce Go- 
pepper. My pretended indifference has been too much 
for her, and she sent me word to meet her in this room. 
Pshaw! here comes the Gopepper family with her. I’ll 
sit here until they leave. (Sits in an easy high-bached 
chair which conceals him from view.') 

Enter Jane, Batiisheba and GorEPPER. 

Bath. As Adam is able to travel, I hope your mother 
will start back ri 
me in this house. 

Gop. Perhaps you’d feel more at home in the kitchen. 

Bath. I would ; and ain’t too proud to say it either. 

Enter Servant with tray , containing decanter , glasses , etc. 

Bath. What is that ? 

Serv. Wine and cake for Mr. Gudgeon. 

Gop. Leave them. [Exit Servant. 

Bath. Wine and cake! Nice food for a sick man. I 
brought some fresh victuals in from the farm for Adam, 
and if I can find the way to the kitchen, I’ll cook them 
for him. [Exit. 

Jane. What did she bring ? 

Gop. Spring chickens and asparagus. 

Jane. I can’t swallow that. 

Gop. Which—the chickens or the asparagus? 

Jane. Neither. 

Gop. Why not? (Takes a biscuit from the tray and 
eats it.) 

Jane. Too tough. I never heard of spring chickens 
in March. 

Gop. But I saw them. ( Pours out wine and drinks it.) 


ght away. Everything is too grand for 



A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


39 


Jane. What a wicked story. Where could she get 
them ? 

Gop. They were raised in a hot-house. 

Jane. That house will be cool compared to the one you 
will get to, if you don’t quit telling such falsehoods. 

Gop. With you, Jane, I could be happy even there. 
Jane, hear me! (Falls on his knees. Jane pushes him 
over.') 

Jane. Do you think wc would know each other there ? 

Gop. If I did not I would not care about getting there. 
Jane, hear me ! 

Jane. You got that far before ; now have it out before 
you ruin your trowsers. 

Gop. It is a heavy strain on them, but I would gladly 
sacrifice them on the altar of love ; in fact, I will place 
my entire wardrobe at your disposal, for one of your sweet 
smiles. 

Jane. I wouldn’t be so reckless with my clothes. 

Gop. Jane, you love Tom, and he has thrown you. 
Marry me out of spite. 

Jane. I won’t. 

Gop. Then I shall propose to Dido. (Takes another 
glass of wine.) 

Jane. She will make you a good wife. 

Gop. So ! so ! 

Jane. She is handsome. 

Gop. Clothes ! Now you do not require any artificial 
aid to make you beautiful. 

Jane. Oh, yes I do. 

Gop. But she is not the whole-souled style of creature 
that you are. 

Jane. You might have her half-soled every now and 
then. 

Gop. Tom told me to beware of you ; that you were a 
confirmed flirt. 

Jane He didn’t. 

Gop. I’ll swear to it. (Eating another biscuit.) 

Tom. (Aside.) What an unhealthy liar ! 

Jane. You should have resented the insult. 

Gop. I did. You should have seen me. My eye 


40 


A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


flashed, my nostrils dilated, my bosom heaved, and my 
manly form shook and quivered like a mighty oak in a 
tempest. 

Jane. Did your ears flop? 

Gop. Jane, do not wring my heart-strings thus. Your 
indifference is assumed; it can not be real. Jane, I swear 
by the bright empyrean above, that if you will be mine I 
will consecrate my young and budding life to you. I am 
ambitious, and when, nerved by your approving smile, I 
shall become great, famous, I shall elevate you from the 
kitchen to the throne. 

Jane. The kitchen ! 

Gop. As it were. ( Pours wine and drinks it.) 

Jane. Oh! as it were. 

Gop. I am lonely now—so lonely; and in the silent 
« watches of the right I often weep the bitter tears of soli¬ 
tude. But with you, Jane; you to comfort me; you to 
soothe my troubled spirit to rest; you to murmur the 
soft accents of love into my willing ear- 

Jane. Take another drink. 

Gop. Thank you. (Drinks.) You to welcome me 
when, tired and weary of a selfish world, I seek our humble 
home; you to press my aching head to your gentle bosom; 
you to fan my fevered brow with your fragrant breath ; 
with you, Jane, I could move the universe. ( Eats another 
biscuit.) 

Jane. You appear to have a good appetite. Now, 
while you are busy moving the universe, who is to keep 
your family in corned-beef and cabbage? 

Gop. Do not be sordid, Jane. For the last time, will 
you marry me ? 

Jane. For the last time, No ! If every hair in your 
head was a diamond, and every tooth a pearl, I would not 
marry you. 

Gop. Then Tom dies ! Were a lion to cross my path I 
would strangle him, but as it -is only a popinjay, I will 
wring his neck. ( Turns to go out but is confronted by Tom.) 
Ah ! ha ! 

Tom. Oh ! ho ! What do you do with your dead ? 

Gop. I have been sending them to the menagerie to 
fatten buzzards. 



A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


41 


Tom . I ought, to give you a good thrashing. 

Gop. A whipping would not help the matter now. I 
feel already like a chicken trying to crow after his head is 
cut off. 

Jane. Tom ought to whip you anyhow; and if he can’t 
do it alone I will help him. 

Gop. ’Tis a boon I would have asked. A flogging 
from you would not only be a source of pleasure, but 
would go far towards making me a better man. Hit me, 
Jane. 

Tom. No ; the inducement for him to sin was so great 
that we must forgive him. 

Tom. Oh! Jan (They embrace.) 

Gop. You can now resume those pleasant osculatory 
performances which characterized the incipient stage of 
your passion ; while Gopepper, the heart-broken Gopep- 
per, will fly from the haunts of men, and in some seques¬ 
tered shade, beside a purling brook- 

Tom. Will sit on his hind legs and howl. 

Gop. (jP ouring wine and drinking.') Jane, when I am 
gone, you must visit my grave, and water the daisies with 
your tears. \Exit. 

Tom. He will make a precious scamp in time, if he has 
luck and don’t get any backsets. 

Jane. You won’t believe his stories again, will you, 
Tom? 

Tom. Let us get married right away, and then it won’t 
make any difference what I believe. 

Jane. Mother won’t let me. 

Tom. Neither would father, if I were to ask him; but 
we can get married first, and ask them afterward. 

Jane. What! elope? 

Tom. Why, yes ! 

Jane. When ? 

Tom. Right now. 

Jane. I’m afraid. 

Tom. With me ? 

Jane. Can we find any one to marry us? 

Tom. There is a preacher around the corner who has 



42 


A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


just returned from California, and as he don’t know how 
old we are, he will be glad to get the job. 

Jane. There won’t be any flaw about it ? 

Tom. If you haven’t confidence in me, say so, and I 
will drop the subject forever. 

Jane. I will go; but I’ll be ashamed to look mamma 
in the face again. [Exit Tom and Jane. 


Scene II .—Same apartment as in Act II. 

Enter Dido, Dalrymple and Gopepper. 

Dal. How is your patient, Mr. Gopepper? 

Gop. Better. 

Dido. When did you leave him? 

Gop. Just now. 

Dido. And you think him out of danger? 

Gop. Nothing ails him now but what can be cured with 
a beefsteak. 

Dal. See that he gets it; feed him; pamper him; do 
anything to get him out of the house—and speedily. 

[Exit Gopepper. 

Dido. Why, father! 

Dal. I would be rid of the fool. 

Dido. Do not get angry ; he will leave soon enough. 

Dal. And have me indicted for stealing his money. 

Dido. No, papa; he will not do that. 

Dal. Do you really love this brawling clown ? 

Dido. Yes. 

Dal. I can not comprehend how a lady, raised in re¬ 
finement, can sympathize with such a ruffian, much less 
love him. His sole purpose in life seems to be knocking 
people down and putting up bogus money envelopes. 
Why don’t you marry Manners? He is a gentleman. 

Dido. (Startled.) Manners makes too much preten¬ 
sion to morality for a politician, and so is a rascal. 

Dal. This other fellow is a thief. He knew there was 
no money in that package when he gave it to me. 

Dido. Were you in this room long after he gave it to 
you? 



A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


43 


Dal. I do not know. I fell asleep. 

Enter Manners and Gopepper. 

Dido. Do you remember seeing any one enter ? 

Dal. My recollection is very vague. I confess having 
drank too much and feeling a little fuddled. 

Dido. (7o Manners.) W hen you entered the room, 
you found Mr. Fitzgory here. 

Man. ( Eagerly .) I am sure of it. 

Enter Fitzgory. 

Fifz. Ah! Miss Dido, I am glad to see you looking so 

well. 

Dido. No compliments now, please. Senator Manners 
says you were in this room with papa when Mr. Gudgeon’s 
money was in his possession. 

Fitz. Does Senator Manners mean to insinuate—— 

Dido. He does not. Will you swear on this Bible that 
you know nothing about the matter? 

Fitz. This is an affront that Senator Manners shall 
answer for. 

Dido. Will you swear, to please me? 

Fitz. To please you? Certainly. (Kisses the book.) I 
swear. 

Dido. Thank you. Mr. Gfopepper, will you swear you 
never saw the money ? 

Gop. Yes ; I’ll swear to anything. 

Dido. Do so then. 

Gop. I swear. (Kisses the book. As he leaves the 
table Adam enters unnoticed , without a coat , very pale and 
emaciated , and rests his hand on the Bible to support him- 
self.) 

Dido. It is your turn now. Senator. 

Man. Pshaw! ridiculous! 

Dido. Will you swear that you have neither knowledge 
nor theory in regard to this mystery ? 

Man. It would be absurd. 

Dido. Will you swear ? 



44 


A 6ERIOU8 FLIRTATION. 


Man. An idle farce ; but to please you. 

Dido. Swear; ’tis my pleasure. 

Man . I swear. ( Turns to the Bible and sees Adam.) 
Good heavens ! Are the dead to witness this mummery ? 

Adam. Not dead ; but weak, weak ! 

Man. I wish the book. (Adam removes his hand , stag¬ 
gers from weakness but catches himself on the table. Man¬ 
ners kisses the book in great perturbation). Are you sat¬ 
isfied? 

Dido. Yes! yes! enough! 

Man. (Aside.) Damn the fellow! I won’t be able to 
get the money out until he goes away now. [Exit. 

Dal. What are you doing out of bed ? 

Adam. Will you please have my hat and coat brought 
to me ? 

Dal. What do you want with them ? 

Adam. I am going home. 

Dal. You will never live to get there if you start in 
your present condition. 

Adam. The risk is mine. 

Dal. Be it so. You can go to the devil if you like. 

[Exit angrily. 

Gop. (To Fitz.) I don’t think we are wanted here. 

Fitz. I want to tell this fellow my opinion of him. 

Adam. (Fiercely.) Sir! 

Gop. We had better leave. I hardly think he would 
sleep at night if he knew your opinion of him. 

[Exit Gopepper and Fitzgory. 

Enter Servant bringing the same coat Dalrymple wore 

in Act II. 

Serv. Your own coat can not be found, but master sends 
you this one with his compliments, sir, and hopes that you 
will put it on and be damned. [Exit. 

Adam. (Putting on the coat.) I am obliged to your 
master. 

Dido. You are faint. Will you not sit down ? 

Adam. Yes, until they bring my hat. 

Dido. You surely are not mad enough to leave us at 
present? 


I 


A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


45 


Adam. Last night you ordered me to quit your house. 
I shall not wait a second bidding. 

Dido. You deserved the order. 

Adam. We will not discuss that. I promised mother 
that I would go home with her at once. 

Dido. I have never known a mother; nor a mother’s 
love. 

Adam. Then you have never known any love. 

Dido. Yes ; yours. 

Adam. Mine was but a momentary inclination. 

Dido. And even that has departed. 

Adam. True; but it was worthless. Sexual love at 
best is but a purified lust. A man must be in his vigor 
to harbor it. 

Dido. And you ? 

Adam. I am weak mentally and bodily. 

Dido. You are very angry with me. 

Adam. I forgive you. 

Dido. Do you ever forget? 

Adam. Yes. 

Dido. Will you forget me ? 

Adam. I will try. 

Dido. And the wrong I have done you? 

Adam. Both. 

Dido. I have merited this indifference. 

Adam. You have sought it, required it, demanded it. 
Would you revoke it? 

Dido. Others before me have thrown away what they 
would have back again. 

Adam. (Rising .) Woman! look at me; see what you 
have made of me ! You have done your work well. Why 
do you seek to improve on it ? It is complete—I am 
ruined, hopelessly ruined ; what more do you ask ? 

Dido. Were you to try, would you find it impossible to 
ever, ever love me again ? 

Adam. Would you revive a fading fancy, that you might 
repeat a questionable triumph ? 

Dido. Fading fancy ! Are you capable of entertaining 
a mere fancy ? 

Adam. As capable as yourself. 


46 


A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


Dido. And but an hour ago I thought your constancy 
a marvel. I thought your faith was equal to ten thousand 
such rebuffs as I had put upon it. 

Adam. How soon our fond illusions are dispelled. 

Dido. My humiliation is complete. I have acted un¬ 
womanly in seeking to regain your heart, and you spurn 
me. Oh, Adam ! you have never suffered as I do now. 
(Sobs.) 

Adam. Your suffering is the result of your own friv¬ 
olity. 

Dido. You are mistaken; you have passed your judg¬ 
ment before you knew the cause of my distress. 

Adam. I know enough. 

Dido. You do not know I am a married woman. 

Adam. Married! You married? 

Dido. Two months ago. Senator Manners, taking ad¬ 
vantage of an intended mock marriage, had the ceremony 
performed in earnest. 

Adam. You, you have not been living with him as his 
wife? 

Dido. (Shuddering .) No; he has given me a year to 
become reconciled to his cowardly act. 

Adam. Does any one know of the cheat that has been 
practiced upon you ? 

Dido. Not even my father. I did not know it myself 
until after I had accepted you. I only tell you now be¬ 
cause I need a friend, and do not know a soul in the wide 
world I can trust but you. 

Adam. You have been persecuted by this man while I 
have been ungenerous enough to think that you were 
using me for your sport. Will you forgive my meanness 
now, and let me be your friend ? 

Dido. I was not wholly blameless. 

Adam. But you were not the trifling woman I was fool 
enough to think you. You have atoned for all your folly 
in your forced relation with a husband you can not love. 

Dido. I loathe him, and shudder at the thought of 
paying duty to him as a wife 

Adam. I promised once that I would serve you as a 
knight of old, and I am ready now to make the promise 
good. 


A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


47 


Dido. No ! no ! Do not kill him yet. Your own life 
would pay the penalty. I will seek redress from the 
courts, and if they do not grant it- 

Adam. Well? 

Dido. Then serve me as you will. 

Adam. Your husband is approaching. 

Dido. I would see him alone. 

Adam . Remember that your cause is mine, and that I 
chafe to bring our quarrel to an issue. (Adam goes out as 
Manners enters , and they stare as they pass each other. 
Dido sits by the Bible stand , and leaning her arms on the 
Bible , buries her face in her hands.') 

Man. (Aside.) A good helpmate; standing guard over 
her husband’s treasure. (He walks up to her , touches her 
on the shoulder , and calls , “ wife!" As she does not answer 
he touches her again , and calls louder , “wife! ” Dido looks 
up , shudders, and shrinks from him. He sits opposite to 
her at the stand. She rises and walks to another part of 
the room.) She will not look at me. Very good. Like 
the busy bee, I will improve the shining hour to gather 
honey—or secure my money. (Takes hold of the Bible and 
releases it again.) Umph! She might turn around and 
catch me. I will wait “Wife!!” 

Dido. Hush! for mercy’s sake hush! 

Man. Is the title of wife so distasteful to you ? 

Dido. It makes my flesh creep. 

Man. That’s bad. You are nervous; you did not rest 
well last night. You were dreaming—of Gudgeon. 

Dido. I was. 

Man. You love Gudgeon. I became aware of the fact 
when you were too excited to conceal it. 

Dido. I do not wish to conceal it. 

Man. You are bold. 

Dido. I am growing desperate. 

Man. Take care. ( Waves the marriage certificate at 
her , and she snatches it from him.) 

Dido. I will take care of it until I can procure a di¬ 
vorce. 

Man. Will you brave that notoriety? 

Dido, I will brave shame itself to be rid of you, 



48 


A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


( Takes his ring from her finger and throws it at his feet.') 
There is your ring ; give me the other. 

Man. I told you that I lost it. 

Dido. I do not believe you. 

Man. Come, darling, do not be vulgar enough to make 
a scene. Accept the situation and I will forgive your lit¬ 
tle faux pas with Gudgeon. 

Dido. Curse you! I hate you! Do you understand? I 
abhor you. 

Man. Then I must exert my authority. 

Dido. I defy you ! 

Man. Your father will sustain me. 

Dido. You lie! I will expose you to him at once. [ Exit. 

Man. Stay, darling. The devil! 1 did not give her 

credit for so much spirit. She must not keep that paper 
though, or I am ruined. [Exit. 


END OF ACT III. 



A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


49 


ACT IV. 

Enter Manners, who crosses to the Bible stand, sits down 
and opens the Bible, 

Man. As the coast appears to be clear, I will try once 
more to recover my back salary. 

Enter Gopepper, who sits opposite to him. 

Gop. That’s right, my son ; search the Scriptures. 

Man. ( Violently closing the book.) My shadow again! 
(Aside .) As old Dalrymple is so delighted with the trick 
I played on his daughter, I have no further use for this 
clod poll, and will get rid of him for good. (. Aloud .) 
Columbus, I have just received a letter from Washington, 
which may interest you. (Aside.) I wrote it myself. 
(Gopepper takes the letter , spreads his arms over the stand 
and reads.) 

“Dear Sir: —In reply to your favor of 10th inst., urg- 
“ ing the claims of your friend, Mr. Gopepper, we would 
“ state that the Office of the Peace Commissioner to the 
“ Untamed Kickapoos has just been vacated by the death 
“ of the last incumbent, whose remains, with the exception 
“of his hair, vrere received from the West this morning. 
“As the salary is four hundred dollars a year, it will be a 
“good thing for your friend, especially if he is bald, and 
“has recently been converted.’’ 

Gop. (Folding the letter.) In the hour of triumph, 
how glorious the consciousness that we have deserved all 
we have ever obtained from our country. Political records 
may fade, and the stars grow dim with age, but the recol¬ 
lection of such gratitude will always be bright in the mem¬ 
ory of a true patriot. Will you excuse me while I retire 
to conceal my tears, and give utterance to a little emotional 
profanity ? [Exit. 


50 


A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


Man. Umph! Another sorehead. He will hatch out 
the platform for a new party before night. Reform , of 
course. ( Rising .) Hallo! Here come our rural cousins. 
Having won all the tricks, I can afford to be gracious to 

them. 

Enter Adam, Dido, Mrs. Gudgeon and Bathsheba. 

Mrs. G. Where is Jane? She ought to be ready now. 

Bath. She has gone to her room for her hat and cloak. 

Man. Going to leave? I am sorry, I declare. ( They 
turn their backs to him.) A cut! A decided cut! Can I 
survive it? 

Mrs. G. (To Dido.) My child, you must not fail to 
visit us again this summer. 

Dido. I sincerely trust I may be able. 

Man. You have my consent, darling. 

Adam. She will not need it. (Dido pours a glass of 
wine , and hands it to Adam.) 

Dido. Drink; it will strengthen you. 

Adam. (Drinking .) Here's confusion to the scurvy 
knave who tries to elevate himself by dragging down a 
woman. 

Enter Dalrymple. 

Dal. Daughter! Senator Manners has informed me of 
the subterfuge he employed to make you his wife, and I 
wish to state, before these people, that his action has my 
unqualified approval. 

Dido. I did not expect this of you, father. 

Dal. You will make immediate arrangements for a 
wedding reception, as I shall publish your marriage to¬ 
morrow. 

Dido. You can hire some one to receive your guests 

then. 

Dal. You shall do it yourself. 

Dido. I will not do it. 

Dal. I have never before interposed my will, when it 
was contrary to your own, but in this instance I insist on 
your obedience to your father and your husband. 



A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


51 


Dido. I have quit my husband. 

Dal. You can either return to him or quit me. 

Dido. Quit you, father? 

Dal. Unless you remain as the wife of the Senator. 

Dido. Turned from home ? 

Mrs. G. Nay, Mr. Dalrymple, you can not be so harsh. 
The child would sin to give her person where she can not 
give her love. 

Dal. She has been making a shuttlecock of her love 
long enough. I never retract my word. 

Dido. (Sobbing .) You know you would never sleep a 
wink if you thought I was homeless. 

Mrs. G. You shall never be homeless while I have a 
shelter. 

Man. Are you aware of the responsibility you are as¬ 
suming? 

Adam. I am responsible for my mother’s acts. 

Dal. You have made an attempt to swindle me out of 
$10,000, so I judge that to be about your price.' Now, 
here is a check for the amount, which I will give you if 
you will cease to molest my daughter, and leave the coun¬ 
try. . ... 

Adam. (Talcing the check and tearing it to pieces.) You 
are not a good business man. Senator Manners will accept 
your proposition for half that sum. 

Man. Perhaps you wouldn’t mind advancing the money 
for my purchase yourself. 

Adam. To relieve Miss Dido from your loathsome 
presence, I will advance it, which, together with the $10,- 
000 you have already stolen from me, is considerably more 
than you are worth. 

Man You have a singularly lively fancy. 

Adam. That you are a pickpocket is not fancy; it is 
fact. 

Dal. You are making a serious charge against my 
friend. Have you any grounds for your suspicion ? 

Adam. Miss Dido, what became of the ring I gave 
you? 

Dido. My husband removed it from my finger and 
placed it on his own. 


52 


A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


Adam. Do you know where it is now ? 

Dido. No; though if the Senator’s story could be re¬ 
lied on, he lost it. 

Adam. I have found it. 

Man. Where? 

Adam. Where you dropped it, in the pocket of Mr. 
Dalrymple’s coat, which I am wearing; in the same pocket 
my money was placed before you robbed him. Here it is. 

(Produces the ring from the pocket.') 

Dal. Your indictment conveys the impression that it 
has been manufactured expressly for the occasion, but by 
a party unacquainted with his business. 

Man. Yes; Mr. Gudgeon is looking for an occupation, 
and I would recommend him to adopt the practice of law. 
He posesses remarkable talent for a first-class pettifogger. 

Bath. I would have him arrested, Adam. 

Man. My dear madam, you are prejudiced. If you 
will give the evidence the benefit of that legal acumen 
which characterizes your sex, you will perceive that it is 
purely circumstantial, and, even then, depends on the in¬ 
valid statement of a refractory wife. 

Adam. My case is hardly fledged yet, but it will grow 
stronger with age. 

Dal. The object of this trumpery charge is too trans¬ 
parently malicious to merit further notice. You have re¬ 
fused my offer, and my daughter defies my authority. I 
wish it understood that when she quits my protection, she 
has nothing to expect from me. 

Dido. Then wish me God-speed among the daughters 
of toil, papa. Do not let me join the army of the million 
with the image of your angry face before my eyes. ( Throws 
herself at his feet.) 

Dal. ( Spurning her and going toward the door.) Con¬ 
sider well the step you are taking before you make it irre¬ 
vocable. 

Enter Tom, Jane and Rev. Wesley Jones, who intercept 

his exit. 

Jones. Excuse me, sir. Does either of these young’ 
folks belong to you? 



A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


53 


Dal. The boy is my son. 

Jones . Boy! He told me he was of age. 

Mrs. G. The girl is my daughter. 

Jones. She also represented herself of age. They 
came to me to be married a few moments ago. 

Bath. Jerusalem ! my happy home ! 

Enter Go pepper. 

Mrs. G. Why, Jane! 

Gop. Jane, you surprise me ! 

Jane. (Sobbing.) I did not wish to do wrong mamma ; 
but I have suffered dreadfully with the heartache lately, 
and I thought—maybe—Tom—could—cure it. 

Bath. You will learn by experience that marriage pro¬ 
duces more aches than it cures. 

Dal. (To Tom.) I'll lock you up in your room until 
my house is rid of this breed of Gudgeons. 

Jones. I doubted their story, but I must acknowledge 
the young gentleman has behaved very well, sir. When 
I reasoned with him on the wrong he was committing, he 
was quite willing that the young lady should be returned 
to her mother. 

Gop. And to her fond Gopepper. 

Tom. Look here, Mr. Gopepper, I owe you a thrashing 
already, and if I ever catch you cruising around Jane 
again, I will put a bug in your ear. 

Dal. (To 3 ones.) Who are you, sir? 

Jones. I am a clergyman, and my name is Wesley 
Jones. 

Man. (Aside.) Wesley Jones ! it is, by Jove! 

Gop. Is it? Wesley, my buck, how are you? 

Jones. We appear to be very intimate, but I really can 
not recall who you are. 

Dido. He was a witness to a marriage ceremony you 
performed before you became so particular in regard to 
the age of your patrons. 

Jones. I have always been particular in that respect. 

Dido. Did I look so old, that you considered the ques¬ 
tion of age unnecessary when you married me two months 
ago? 


54 


A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


Jones. I was not in this part of the country two months 
ago. 

Dido. ( Handing him the marriage certificate.) Per¬ 
haps you will deny your own signature. 

Jones. The signature is mine, but I do not remember 
having ever seen you before. 

Dido. This is strange! I have no recollection of 
your face either, but it appears you married me. Mr. 
Gopepper, your name is on this paper as a witness. 

Man. ( Aside .) I am totally unprepared for such a 
sudden denouement. I will get that $10,000 and leave. 

Gop. Umpli! This is my autograph, but I do not re¬ 
member ornamenting a marriage certificate with it. Let 
me see. This looks like a paper I signed for Senator 
Manners; but he told me it was a petition for the annexa¬ 
tion of St. Domingo. 

Jones Manners! Manners! I married Wiley Manners 
to a lady in San Francisco ten years ago, but she is now 
confined in a California lunatic asylum. 

Dido, Are you sure ? 

Jones. ( Examining the paper.) And this is the very 
certificate I gave him at that time. 

Dido. ( Hysterically .) Are you sure ? Man ! are you 
sure? 

Jones. The name of the bride, the date, and the place 
have been altered. 

Dido. You, you are not deceiving me ? Oh, Adam, 
take me ! I am free ! free ! (Adam catches her as she 
faints , and places her on a sofa , inhere she is attended to 
by his mother.) 

Adam. Mine! mine at last! Jones, you have a conscience 
and are wanted here. Build a church, synagogue, or joss 
house, and I will worship with you. ( Slaps Gopepper 
violently on the back.) Why don’t you wish me happiness, 
you churl ? ( Crosses to Tom.) Give me your hand, Tom, 

your sister is mine ! ( Addressing Dalrymple.) Do you 

hear me, old boy? She is mine! (Changing his tone.) 
Excuse me, sir, my joy has upset my reason, or else the 
wine has mounted to my head. ( Turns around and espies 
Manners, who has secured the money , stuffing the bills has¬ 
tily in his pocket.) 


A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


55 


Man. ( With assumed hilarity .) Since no one else ap¬ 
pears to share your joy, allow me to congratulate you on 
the possession of a lady whose flirtations have become a 
subject of unfavorable rumor. 

Adam. Your statement would not add any weight to 
the rumor, nor would it detract one jot from her reputa¬ 
tion. ( Advances to Manners, draws his hand from his 
pocket, and the bills scatter on the floor.') A Senator! You 
said you did not believe the bills were in the package. A 
liar ! A Senator and a liar! It was you who stole them! 
A thief! A Senator! a liar! and a thief! 

Dal. You will not smoke, chew, nor drink, but you 
will lie, steal, and attempt bigamy. You disgrace the 
honorable body of which you are a member. 

Man. The honorable body won’t mind it. My only 
crime among my peers will consist in having been found 
out. 

Dal. I would not add this scandal to their record of 
infamy. As the price of our silence, however, you will 
immediately resign your seat in the Senate, and if I ever 
hear of you in politics again, I will expose you. 

Man. I am powerless, and must accept your conditions. 

Gop. Congressional truth crushed to earth, will rise 
again in the lobby. 

Man. No, sir. I will never attempt to compete with 
female labor. I shall pack my carpet-bag and go South. 

Gop. Hold on ! Hadn’t you better take this Bible 
with you? It has lost its value as a book of reference, but 
you still might find some balm for your lacerated spirit 
within its pages. 

Man. I wouldn’t deprive you of it for the world; you 
will need it so much more among the Kickapoos. [ Exit. 

Gop. There goes my chance for political preferment. 
Time has softened my youthful ardor ; tempered my gen¬ 
erous enthusiasm, and now I am ready to flesh my maiden 
shoe brush in a box of blacking. Failing in art, I am 
prepared for Christian burial. 

Dal. I hope as an amateur corpse you may yet live to 
do some credit to yourself. (Dido rises from the sofa and 
clasps Mrs. Gudgeon around the neck.') 



66 


A SERIOUS FLIRTATION. 


# 


Dido. Mother! 

Mrs. G. Be composed, child, he is gone forever. 

Dido. Who ? 

Mrs. G. Why, Senator Manners, of course. 

Dido. Oh! I am so happy. 

Dal. Young man, I have judged you hastily, but you 
must excuse my harshness, as it was provoked by your 
own violence. 

Adam. You will pardon my exhibition of temper when 
I tell you that I never had my word doubted before. 

Bath. And so was not as well prepared for city life as 
Columbus. 

Dal. I owe you some redress; here it is. ( Places 
Dido’s hand in Adam’s.) 

Adam. I accept your graceful apology. 

Dido. This is only making a virtue of necessity, papa. 
Now if you were to show some sympathy for those two 
forlorn-looking wretches, it would be an evidence of genu¬ 
ine contrition. 

Gop. Be magnanimous, like me. ( Joins Tom and Jane 
by the hands.) There, boy, take her and be good. Name 
your first kid after me and I will make him my heir. 

Mrs G. Under such circumstances, Mr. Dalrymple, it 
would be folly for us to withhold our consent. 

Tom. Let us have a double wedding, and save expense. 

Dal. Well, Jones, I turn them all over to you. Do 
the best you can for them. 

Gop. Is everybody satisfied now? 

Dido. Not until we hear from our friends in front. 
When our efforts to please have received their approval, 
we will all be satisfied with the result of “A Serious Flir¬ 
tation.” 


END OF ACT IV. 




































